So, the first leg of my quest is honesty. Meaning that I am not deceptive or deceitful in my interactions with other people.
Or myself I suppose...
Anyways, I have been taking some action in order to fulfill this part of my quest. It's been incredibly difficult, as most of it has been reparation - meaning fixing my lies.
I told a good friend of mine that I had lied to her about my past. That was hard, but the experience preceding it was incredible.
I was reading "Standing For Something" by President Gordon B Hinkley, and it was talking about the plague of immorality that was afflicting our nation, The United States of America. As I was reading about this, my thoughts were turned to the lie that I told.
It was an incredibly believable lie. I have become so scarily adept at weaving falsehoods into truths that sometimes even I can't tell the difference. But this lie was brought consistently to my memory, and I was caught in a guilty web.
Especially on this occasion, I found myself literally tormented by an unearthly pain, seeming to originate from my heart, but incomparable to mortal pains. I realized immediately that it was a result of the lie I had told - although small, it still baited my conscience into a realm of darkness. I was in a lot of pain, and it was self-inflicted. I realized later that it was a result of the attempt of my spirit to co-exist with my unrepaired sin - it can't be done, so the pain was exquisite. It had been building up for some time, but never had I been exposed to it in such a fashion. After trying to figure out what to do with the pain, I made up my mind that I would correct my lie. Not easy, but good.
It took me a week, but I finally built up the courage to talk to my friend. She told me that it was alright, and she wasn't mad at me. I was still mad at myself, so I didn't respond until much later, but I was grateful, and a large burden was lifted from my shoulders.
I have found that I lie often. Usually the lies are small, and either increase my own image, or boost someone else.
I am not under the impression that the ends justify the means, however, so I still feel guilty for these lies.
Sometimes, my lies aren't small. There is one lie that I need to correct which was rather preposterous - incredibly ridiculous. I told another one of my friends a lie about my past, except it was primarily lies, with anchor points for creating a believable tale. I still have not corrected that one, however I have committed to do so while taking the sacrament.
I also told my friend Ben about that lie, and generally my quest for honesty, and he informed me that most of us struggle with "improving the truth" as I put it. That helped me to feel better.
